Reality of my life

The reality of life is hard enough, I would much rather be swept away by fairy tales and happy endings, which is where I seem to think I’ve been living. Which is lovely if I could live off of water and sunshine. It is entirely too easy to get lost in the day to day routines that we all call life. There was a time, not too long ago, when I would have given anything to be able to get lost in the simplicities of the day to day… but now, now the luxury of that ability seems to have worn off as I find myself looking back more than forward and feeling as though I’m losing my way.  Which is especially concerning to me because in my world I always try to live in the moment and look to the future; only looking back to remember my roots and where I came from. I can never forget my roots. Without my roots I would not be where I am today. But today, remembering where I came from seems to force me to relive what I call the downward spiral and roller coaster known as my actual life. Bipolar remission is like a honeymoon but sometimes a terrifying place to be. And after being here for so long, how do I know when it’s no longer in remission? And how would I go about admitting that… to the love of my life, to my family, to my psychiatrist, and more importantly to myself? Having become lost in the day to day, it is my biggest fear that if… no… when, the bipolar returns that I will be in complete and utter denial. And I say when, because I would have to be looking through rose colored glasses to believe otherwise. But seeing everything through those rose colored glasses is tempting and on most days completely blinding. So my first instinct… to try and remain vigilant. Being that I am an RN, and a psychiatric RN at that, I want to assess, reassess, and psychoanalyze myself. But the fear of the reality of what was and what most likely will be my reality again is continually clouding my better nursing judgment. So much so that it’s impossible to positively know because I may be repeatedly lying to myself.  And even worse, possibly believing those lies. So how will I know when my bipolar remission honeymoon is over? I believe that I truly will know in my heart, and so it’s as they say… if you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind goes when it wanders.

Stigma

http://abcnews.go.com/US/video/connecticut-shooting-talking-tragedy-children-17977788

While speaking about the tragic shooting in CT, in the above clip, Dr. Jennifer Ashton begins “…there are no words to describe what must have been going on, on so many levels...” and yes that is true. This shooting was horrific and indescribably tragic. But despite how horrible this event, I found that my attention was diverted away from the story at hand when (54 seconds in) Dr. Jennifer Ashton stated “…this is the face of mental illness..."  

Simply stating that I was deeply offended by this does not even scratch the surface of what that statement has caused me to feel. I am truly saddened by the fact that such a general and close-minded statement was made on such a broad platform. And such ignorant statements are the reason why there is so much stigma attached to metal illness and those that suffer from it. Statements like that are why so many people that are already struggling with the burden of mental illness are living in fear, fear of being judged or discriminated against simply because they have an illness which they are no more responsible for than someone that gets cancer. This only goes to show just how far we away we are from eliminating the stigma associated with mental illness.

In 2004 I was diagnosed with Bipolar I. For many years my family and I struggled with this illness and all the stigma, pain, and loss that came with it. After extensive medication treatment, therapy, and Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT) I am proud to say that I have been stable for years now. I was finally able to finish school and begin my dream career. 

Mental illness for the most part is faceless and many of us living with it are forced hide it away from the world so not to be treated in a negative manner. So, by Dr. Jennifer Ashton stating “this is the face of mental illness” she has reinforced the true face of mental illness and that is stigma.

Tethered heart, free spirit

Tethered heart, free spirit. — If one tethers one’s heart severely and imprisons it, one can give one’s spirit many liberties: I have said that once before. But one does not believe me, unless one already knows it - Nietzsche

Red Velvet Chair

“Hey Ya? Jessica? It’s already one o’clock.” My mother hollers from the kitchen. “Earth to Jessica?” Now face to face she asks, “Jessica, you have Dr. Augustine today at 2:30, right?”

“Yeah.” I answer energetically, as not to show that my mind is in 27 different places right now.

“Do you want me to drive you down there today?”

“Nah.” I holler as I skip off down the hallway and into my bedroom to get ready.

As I am ripping through my closet and dresser drawers for something to wear like I was trying to get dressed just before escaping a burning building, I repeat out loud, “Something that screams wellness. Something that screams wellness.”

Seconds later I am skipping out the front door with my mom chasing after me, “Sweetie, here’s my debit card. Drive safe. Good luck and I’ll see you when you get back.”

I hop into my forrest green 2001 Subaru outback wagon, turn up my music and whip out of the driveway. I don’t mind the long drive to the doctor today. I’m actually looking forward to the drive. On days like today the drive is more like a forty-five minute rave, once I’m in my “ru” that’s what I call my car, I just crank up some Tiesto and dance my way down I-95.

I arrive at the doctors nearly forty minutes ahead of time. I always seem to get there too early. Better than late I suppose. The earliness doesn’t bother me a bit, since I’m so early I can sit in my “ru” and continue the rave here in the parking lot. However by now I am feeling extremely anxious, nervous, and stressed as all the usual pre-appointment “what ifs?” begin to creep into my already racing thoughts. And now I’m no longer feeling overly euphoric, I am now walking a tight rope of emotion, any thought could trigger a plummet, possibly to my death.

 “What if he puts me back on Zyprexa, or worse, Depakote?  Then I’ll start seeing shit again, the guy outside my window, never again. What if he asks how I’m feeling? How am I feeling? I don’t even know that. How in the world do I begin to explain my feelings? What if he asks how I’ve been doing all week? One minute I was flying high, I made a mosaic table in one afternoon, the next minute I was down and I contemplated my death and the many ways to cause… NO! I promised B. So, what if he asks, should I tell him the truth, or my version of the truth? What if he can tell how bad I really am doing? What if he calls my mom to come pick me up? What if he sends me back to the hospital? What if? What if? What if? What if? Aaaahhhhhh!!! I wish I could scream.

Even though I have Tiesto turned up as loud as my mix-matched Bose and JBL speakers can handle the only thing I can hear are all of these “what ifs?” that squeeze themselves in between my always present racing thoughts. I have to get out of this car before I absolutely lose it.

I rush up to the office and quickly push on the glass door. I’m pushing on it as hard as I can and it simply won’t budge. It just makes a clicky noise each time. Oooooh, they must still be at lunch. I must really be early. But as I look up I notice there are nearly nine pairs of eyes locked on me as I struggle with the front door.

“Okay Jess. Deep breath. Assess the situation. Oh fuck! It says PULL. Yes, I’m doing well today, thank you.” I say out loud talking to myself.

I walk in and sit in the chair right in front of the receptionist’s window. I always sit in this same chair when I come in.

“Hi Jessica,” says Ms. Pat the receptionist.

“Hi.”

“I’ll let him know that you are here,” she says.

“Okay, thanks.”

“Hun, you know you’re a bit early…” she adds.

“Yeah, I wanted to make sure that was on time.”

“Alrighty hun.” she says as she smiles and returns to her paperwork.

The office waiting room is filled. He must really be running behind today. Or, I am really that early. Can I not tell time or something? What if he makes me go to the hospital here and not back to the one in Georgia? As I look around the room I begin to wonder if all of these people are here to see Dr. Augustine. If that’s the case I’m going to be here for quite a while. Doesn’t he have like three other people that work here in the office? I think it is like a whole psychiatric team in here. There is my doctor, another doctor, a physician’s assistant, and a therapist or two. What if I freak out? Did I just say that out loud? Did I just ask out loud if I had said something out loud? I glance around the room quickly. No one is looking at me too strangely so I guess not. Why are all of these people here? Are they all as crazy as me? They look pretty normal. Can they tell that I have all of this shit racing through my mind? For as many people as there are in this room it is still relatively quiet.

Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap.

The anxiousness is taking over, going all the way through me and making me tap my foot uncontrollably.

Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap.

The door to the back of the office opens. Tap tap tap tap tap. Oh please be me. Me next. Me next. Me. Me. Me… Dr. Augustine steps out from behind the door. I freeze with anticipation. Please me. Please me. “Jessica, come on back.” Oh thank fucking gawd, get me out of this sardine can of a waiting room.

“Hello Jessica, please have a seat” says Dr. Augustine as he points to the big red velvet arm chair across from his wooden spinning chair and laptop.

All I can see is a giant red velvet arm chair similar to those leather ones you would see old business  men in the 50s sit in while enjoying their 5 o’clock glass of brandy.

I am stunned when I look at it.

Dr. Augustine closes the door behind him.

“Please sit” he says.

As I sit in the red velvet chair it’s texture engulfs me. Now  with Dr. Augustine sitting across from me with his silver laptop resting on his knees he asks “ So how have you been?”

“Fine.” I quickly respond.

Fine. Yeah, like I’m fine.  As I plop my arms down on the red velvet chair’s armrests. I’m sure he can see straight through that answer. This fabric is so soft. I wonder if it actually is velvet, probably not though. We all know what fine stands for, freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional.  That’s such a good one. I think it was my mom or Al that told me that one. I wonder where they got it from. It’s a good one though.  How amazing would that be if this was real velvet. It’s like a carpet. I can brush it one way and it’s dark red. The other way and it’s a lighter red. Gawd, what is he waiting for? Is that all he’s going to ask me today?  I bet this is faux velvet. Is there such a thing? Is that what it would be called? What is taking him so long? I wonder what he is typing so vigorously on that laptop of his. “This chair is so comfortable.” Fuck. I think I just said that out loud.

“I’m glad that you like it.” Dr. Augustine quickly responds, as he takes what seems like a few minutes to look me over, then returns to his typing.

Yup, I definitely said that out loud, because he answered me, oops. He is still typing away over there. I wish I knew what he was typing. I bet it’s about how absolutely bonkers I am, or how I’m a dishonest patient trying to hide the fact that I’m not well right now. I love how the armrests on the red velvet chair are just the right height for my arms to set on. This chair is by far my most favorite chair I’ve ever sat it. It’s way cooler than all three of the fuzzy high back, assorted color, contemporary chairs at Dr. Kizer’s office.

“Alright, Miss Jessica” he begins.

As I look at the clock I see it has only been like three minutes. Crap. Here comes my  least favorite part, twenty questions. I think I may pass out. I can’t catch my breath. My heart is beating so fast and hard. I am surprised he can’t see my chest moving from it.

“So start with today, what have you done today?” He asks.

“Well…”

I can’t remember. My mind is blank. That’s the first. No response worthy of saying out loud to him is coming to mind. I love this chair. It’s so luxurious.

“…I was painting before I came down today.” I respond.

“Did you drive here?” he asks.

What a silly question.

“How else would I have gotten here? I don’t have wings”
Dammit! I think that was out loud.

As he giggles I smile uncomfortably. What is he laughing at? Maybe he realized what a ridiculous question that was. This chair is amazing. I want to take it home with me. I would sit in it all the time.

“Jessica.” He says.

“Yes?”

“You are going to wear my chair out.” He states

“Uh, what, what do you mean?” I ask as he mimics the position I’m sitting in he moves his hands as if he were rubbing invisible armrests, and then points at me.

“Oh. Sorry.” I giggle. As I look down at my arms and then my hands I see beneath them the contrast of light and dark red faux velvet going in every which direction possible. I have been rubbing on this faux velvet chair this entire time as if I were making out with it or something.

“It’s okay dear.”

Oh my gawd. I’m so embarrassed. I didn’t even realize. “I didn’t even realize” I blurt out.

“I know dear, it’s okay.” He says. “What do ya say, I’ll see you back here in 1 week for your next appointment. Sound good?”

“Yeah, alright. Thanks.”

One week. That’s not bad. It’s farther apart than my appointments used to be with Dr. Kizer. And at least I’m not going to the hospital after that embarrassing make out session with the red velvet chair.

“Drive safe, and I’ll see you next week.” He says as he walks me to the receptionist window and continues on to call for his next patient.

BIPOLAR BLOG

“I am tired of hiding, tired of misspent and knotted energies, tired of the hypocrisy, and tired of acting as though I have something to hide.” 
― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

Quote for the day...

“He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.” 
― Friedrich Nietzsche

Bipolar Journal Entries from the Past

Bipolar Journal Entries from the Past

February 15, 2005

I guess everyone has their own reality that they have to face, that they have to live with day in and day out, for the rest of their lives. Whether it’s the result of past choices, something that has come up by chance, or something genetic… the fact of the matter is… that they alone have to live with it.

Some days I am quite alright with it, my craziness. As new and as big as it seems, some days I am… I am fine. Other days… it just overwhelms me to the point of, well almost an anxiety attack, or an emotional breakdown. 

Some days I don’t really believe that the “me” now; and the “me” that tried to kill herself in those early days of this diagnosis, or the “me” that went to the hospital 3 times since April of 2004, or the “me” that has had to change meds so many times, or the “me” that had to up and leave college along with my boyfriend, husky puppy… the “me” that had to leave her entire life and has been totally out of school since March 2004…

Seriously, some days… I really do not believe that the “me” now and that other “me” are the same person. There are times that I almost convince myself that I’m not…  that it’s not…  and that this is not really real, and for minutes at a time I actually believe it. Those minutes are are filled with such hope, and such pain. In those moments it feels as if any second I may wake up, and be back home with my boys (my husky puppy and boyfriend) in that quiet little mountain town I have grown to love so much and call home.

But unfortunately for me, my reality is medicine in the morning, noon, and night… scars on my wrists, no friends by my side, memories in my mind, and a longing in my heart that will weigh on me for the rest of my life I am afraid.

Reflection: October 18, 2011

“everyone has their own reality that they have to face, that they have to live with day in and day out, for the rest of their lives. Whether it’s the result of past choices, something that has come up by chance, or something genetic… the fact of the matter is… that they alone have to live with it.”

They alone, have to face this in the mirror each and every morning. They alone, must face the day wearing this “badge” on their sleeve. And they alone, will try to sleep at night with this weight on their soul. 

For those that left their side when they needed someone the most, know that they have succeeded without you. And for those that gave them support, know that they could not have succeeded without you.

But knowing that no one else can carry them through their day to day was what propelled them forward to where they are now. No one else could give them the courage to fight this illness, and no one else could give them the strength to endure all that it may possibly bring. 

On their journey to wellness they will come to the realization that they alone can beat their illness, and it is this realization that will set them free.