Bipolar Journal Entries from the Past
February 15, 2005
I guess everyone has their own reality that they have to face, that they have to live with day in and day out, for the rest of their lives. Whether it’s the result of past choices, something that has come up by chance, or something genetic… the fact of the matter is… that they alone have to live with it.
Some days I am quite alright with it, my craziness. As new and as big as it seems, some days I am… I am fine. Other days… it just overwhelms me to the point of, well almost an anxiety attack, or an emotional breakdown.
Some days I don’t really believe that the “me” now; and the “me” that tried to kill herself in those early days of this diagnosis, or the “me” that went to the hospital 3 times since April of 2004, or the “me” that has had to change meds so many times, or the “me” that had to up and leave college along with my boyfriend, husky puppy… the “me” that had to leave her entire life and has been totally out of school since March 2004…
Seriously, some days… I really do not believe that the “me” now and that other “me” are the same person. There are times that I almost convince myself that I’m not… that it’s not… and that this is not really real, and for minutes at a time I actually believe it. Those minutes are are filled with such hope, and such pain. In those moments it feels as if any second I may wake up, and be back home with my boys (my husky puppy and boyfriend) in that quiet little mountain town I have grown to love so much and call home.
But unfortunately for me, my reality is medicine in the morning, noon, and night… scars on my wrists, no friends by my side, memories in my mind, and a longing in my heart that will weigh on me for the rest of my life I am afraid.
Reflection: October 18, 2011
“everyone has their own reality that they have to face, that they have to live with day in and day out, for the rest of their lives. Whether it’s the result of past choices, something that has come up by chance, or something genetic… the fact of the matter is… that they alone have to live with it.”
They alone, have to face this in the mirror each and every morning. They alone, must face the day wearing this “badge” on their sleeve. And they alone, will try to sleep at night with this weight on their soul.
For those that left their side when they needed someone the most, know that they have succeeded without you. And for those that gave them support, know that they could not have succeeded without you.
But knowing that no one else can carry them through their day to day was what propelled them forward to where they are now. No one else could give them the courage to fight this illness, and no one else could give them the strength to endure all that it may possibly bring.
On their journey to wellness they will come to the realization that they alone can beat their illness, and it is this realization that will set them free.
