The reality of life is hard enough, I would much rather be
swept away by fairy tales and happy endings, which is where I seem to think I’ve
been living. Which is lovely if I could live off of water and sunshine. It is
entirely too easy to get lost in the day to day routines that we all call life.
There was a time, not too long ago, when I would have given anything to be able
to get lost in the simplicities of the day to day… but now, now the luxury of
that ability seems to have worn off as I find myself looking back more than
forward and feeling as though I’m losing my way. Which is especially concerning to me because in
my world I always try to live in the moment and look to the future; only
looking back to remember my roots and where I came from. I can never forget my
roots. Without my roots I would not be where I am today. But today, remembering
where I came from seems to force me to relive what I call the downward spiral and
roller coaster known as my actual life. Bipolar remission is like a honeymoon
but sometimes a terrifying place to be. And after being here for so long, how do
I know when it’s no longer in remission? And how would I go about admitting that…
to the love of my life, to my family, to my psychiatrist, and more importantly
to myself? Having become lost in the day to day, it is my biggest fear that if…
no… when, the bipolar returns that I will be in complete and utter denial. And
I say when, because I would have to be looking through rose colored glasses to
believe otherwise. But seeing everything through those rose colored glasses is tempting
and on most days completely blinding. So my first instinct… to try and remain vigilant.
Being that I am an RN, and a psychiatric RN at that, I want to assess, reassess,
and psychoanalyze myself. But the fear of the reality of what was and what most
likely will be my reality again is continually clouding my better nursing
judgment. So much so that it’s impossible to positively know because I may be
repeatedly lying to myself. And even
worse, possibly believing those lies. So how will I know when my bipolar remission
honeymoon is over? I believe that I truly will know in my heart, and so it’s as
they say… if you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind goes
when it wanders.
