Direct Me to My Dreams

We set goals and dreams in hopes to reach them one day. But life has a way of changing before you can even get to those goals and dreams. So where do we go when life has changed so drastically that you realize your single most important dream is slipping away. Now optimism seems more like dreaming and realism makes it seem impossible. And when other peoples’ dreams come into the picture, should we shelve our dreams for theirs? Is the business of reaching our dreams first come first serve? So many of my dreams have come true and yet so many have not. I have been given the taste of a few sweet dreams only for them to turn sour, and then where was I left… A manic depressive, 7th year college student, with possibly 2 years left in school, only one year left of NCAA eligibility and no playing time from a previous bad decision division II school in what I thought was the armpit of the world, but long for now. What do we do we do when every day you have been working toward this goal, and now the possibility of it happening is slim because there are now others’ best interests to consider… In this specific situation, my dream loses. So I guess all I have now are my dreams, and there I can dream of how it would have been and how now it’s just a dream to me.

Rough Draft

So... the majority of posts on here are from the past. When I was on this roller coaster ride known as my life. And many future posts will also be from the past.
However, currently, with my new found wellness, I'm in the process of applying to nursing programs here in town. For one of the schools they require an interview. Immediately after the interview I will have 15 minutes to write an essay on a topic chosen for me. There are four possible essay questions. Here is the first one that I wrote a rough draft for:

Give a candid evaluation of yourself as a person. Please discuss, in order of importance the personal characteristics or qualities you feel are your strengths, as well as those you feel are your weaknesses.

And here is my rough draft response:

“Don’t judge another until you walk a mile in their shoes.”

“Don’t judge a book by its cover.”

“Treat others as you would like to be treated.”

There are many, many, sayings that people often use trying to have you see life from another’s point of view. But unfortunately those that give this advice do not always understand the true meaning behind it. Through life we all will go through experiences, none of which will be identical, some of which may be similar, and many of which only some can relate to. It is what we take with us and learn from these life experiences that help to shape and mold our individual strengths and weaknesses. And it is what we, as individuals, choose to do with these strengths and weaknesses that will ultimately make a difference in this world. I am a CNA, and have chosen to pursue a career in nursing. Through personal experience and education this is how I hope to make a difference.

In my life experiences I have been the patient many times before, and in various situations. I understand the countless and complex emotions a patient may go through such as; the stress, fear, helplessness, frustration, and grief that often get overlooked when receiving treatment. These emotions are merely byproducts of any type of illness but are often not focused on or even addressed because they are not physical. Even in behavioral health situations these feelings get overlooked. Having these similar personal experiences I believe that my first hand understanding of a patient’s wants and needs is a key strength that will help me give exceptional care to my current and future patients.

Every patient deserves exceptional care. A second strength is that I have the want and need to excel by providing this exceptional care. Based on the understanding I have of being a patient I consistently strive to go above and beyond in every situation to ensure the overall comfort and wellbeing of my patients in every way possible. It is often the simple things that matter most to a patient. The little things that we all may take for granted day to day such as having the choice between coffee and tea. Also, listening to your patient rather than talking at your patient can be the one gesture that offers the hope and encouragement often needed to propel them toward wellness. It is subtle things like this that can make the difference to a patient in ways that not many may even know.

            In 2004 I was diagnosed with bipolar, a rather severe case. The road to wellness, more like rollercoaster to wellness, has been more trying than I may ever be able to convey. Along the way there was this one nurse that listened to me in one of my many drastically rapid cycles. She sat at the foot of my hospital bed and asked why I was balling my eyes out and pacing the hallways at 3:45 in the morning. So I told her everything I was missing, thinking, feeling, stressing, and crying about. Coming from my manic mind all of this came out like word vomit. But she listened and talked me through it all and gave me hope. Not unrealistic hope, but simple encouragement, empowerment, and most importantly, respect. She was real and genuine; she drew from her own simplistic and personal experiences. Sharing with me first and then giving credible advice. The heart to heart talk was a turning point in my illness. She made such a profound difference in my state of mind and overall approach to wellness that I became determined to beat the illness rather than give up, and to use my experiences constructively rather than destructively. Because of her I now see my illness and the journey it has taken me on as strength. But still most others see it as a weakness. It gives me the heart and soul to strive to make the same kind of difference in the lives of others, and the inner strength each and every day to continue to reach my goals and dreams. I hope to let others know that they are not alone on their road to wellness. Showing them through the care I give that success and wellness are possible if they never give up on themselves or their dreams.

IF I ONLY KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW

Worry, Stress, Anxiety: 5-15-03

What is it that keeps me up at night? And why does it? All the questions that race around my head with no directions and no answers - Where am I headed? Who am I going to be? How do I get there? How do I keep myself happy? What should I do with my life? How can I get to a starting point? How can I make enough money to live? Who am I going to marry? Am I going to get married? Children? How can I get enough money to support a family? Why is it that the questions of the future hex me every night in the present? Do I worry, stress, and have major anxiety problems? Or is this all normal? Are my thought supposed to go so fast that I cannot even keep up with them? Am I the only one that is so worried about this stuff, at this age? Why? If only I could get a lump in the bank instead of my throat, then maybe I could get some rest – or would I just find something else to worry over and keep me up at night?

And all the tension that builds and builds until I feel I will explode, or burst open with my insides on the outside. As my skin is crawling and I cannot sit still I can’t help but feel like I am a 3 year old child throwing a temper tantrum because its legs hurt when they are growing. What the fuck is wrong with me? Or am I just a huge pansy? 

Borrowed Inspiration: PART 2

MIRRORS OF THE SOUL
THE SAYINGS OF THE BROOK
BY: Kahlil Gibran

I walked in the valley as the rising dawn spoke the secret of eternity.
And there a brook, on its course, was singing, calling and saying:
Life is not only merriment;
Life is desire and determination.
Wisdom is not in words;
Wisdom is meaning within words.
Greatness is not in exalted position;
Greatness is for he who refuses position.
A man is not noble through ancestry;
How many noble men are descendants of murderers?
Not everyone in chains is subdued;
At times, a chain is greater than a necklace.
Paradise is in the pure of heart.
Hell is not in torture;
Hell is an empty heart.
Riches are not in money alone;
How many wanderers were the richest of all men?
Not all the poor are scorned;
The wealth of the world is in a loaf of bread and a cloak.
Beauty is not in the face;
Beauty is in the light of heart.
Perfection is not for the pure of soul;
There may be virtue in sin.
This is what the brook said to the tree upon its banks;
Perhaps what the brook sang was of some of the secrets of the sea.

LIFE:

Life: nothing more than breathing in and out, waking with the sun, sleeping under the moon, living off the land, taking care of the earth, interacting with others around, experiencing moments of happiness as well as sadness and all that is in between.

At different points in life there are different people that have surrounded me, some good, and some bad. The experiences with all of these different people make up  what is my life. All of my experiences have impacted me, some greater than others. The experiences placed on this blog are good, bad, and all that comes in between: in other words- these are the points in my life in which I was "breathing in and out, waking with the sun, sleeping under the moon;" well trying to at least. All the while I was experiencing moments of happiness, sadness, all that falls in between, and that which goes far beyond.

Borrowed Inspiration

Telepopmusik: Breathe

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HDQw-RShRUQ