Blurry Coma Memory

We are nearing the end of March, and it is almost exactly 4 years since I last attempted to kill myself. It seems like an eternity ago, but that is far from accurate. I still to this day have no recollection of the entire day leading up to my hospitalization, my actual attempt, and much of what happens after my coma. It used to be that every night as I lie in bed trying to fall asleep I would rack my brain in search of any memory or even a glimpse of what I may have done, or been thinking that day, but nothing ever has come to me. I can now see things as a very vague and old revisited dream based solely on what I have been told and from the few memories I do have of when I came to after my coma.

As I look around the room I cannot recognize a single thing or a single person. I can feel myself frantically blinking trying to clear my blurry vision but nothing seems to help. I feel as if the weight of a thousand elephants is pressing on my chest. The heaviness in my lungs is almost unbearable. My chest burns to the point that I want to flail around and scream at the top of my lungs in pain as if I were burning in flames from the inside out. But when I think of moving nothing happens. “Move your right hand. Move your right hand. FUCK!!!! MOVE YOUR RIGHT HAND!!!” But nothing happens. I am so extremely parched that there are no words to describe what I would do for a sip of water right now. My mouth feels as if each surface was a piece of sandpaper. As I try to close my mouth to swallow in an effort to reduce my aching thirst I feel that my mouth will not close, my tongue is pressed down, and as I attempt to swallow I can feel myself gagging. I think to myself “Wow I am really fucking thirsty if it is to the point that it makes me gag.” But as I try to maneuver my tongue to push out this thing I feel in my mouth, again there is the sensation of gagging. “Ok, seriously what the fuck is going on here!” “I can’t see, I can’t move… What about talking, can I talk?” My attempt at talking was quite pathetic. Every time I would see something around me move, I would give everything I had in making an effort to say “Hey.” But I would not hear anything. “Ok, I know what this is, I know what is going on, it’s one of those totally fucked up dreams where you are paralyzed and can’t move. I hate these dreams. But why does my chest hurt so badly?” Instead some lady with nasty ass bangs and stringy hair came over to me and was I swear about ½ and inch from my face. This was nice it was the first person I was able to see or even was able to realize that it was a person. I later overheard someone say something about pneumonia. “Oh, that’s it. I must have really bad pneumonia that is probably why my chest is hurting, and I am guessing I am in a hospital, that is probably why I do not recognize a single thing.” So I try to swallow again and immediately have the sense of gagging. But this time to my surprise, my arm moves. It moves toward my face and then to my mouth and attempt to pull on whatever is consistently making me gag when I swallow.  I did not even get to touch whatever it was in my mouth before there were a swarm of people on me holding me down and in slow motion I see this needle with a full shot of some sort of fluid go straight down toward my right collarbone. Then this tingly float-y feeling and it was lights out for me.