Yesterday... to Today...

WHAT’S GOING ON?

6-14-04 FLASHING CONSPIRACY

Well it is lights out at Focus, and I am wired and racing and I can’t slow down. I am tired, I truly am. This is the part that I hate; the part of no sleep. Is it the caffeine? My intake has been no different, who knows. The excitement of a breakthrough! There has been no breakthrough.

All of me is pulsing. Pulsing so hard I feel like a bass speaker at a motherfucking rave. And my organs are going to bounce right out of me. But at the same time a tingling sensation is radiating through my body from my core to my extremities and then to the tips of my fingers and toes; over and over and over, and back again. There is a big pit in the bottom of my stomach, and a burning that just won’t quit, as if I had been starved for more than a year, I cannot swallow, I feel as if there are two golf balls in my throat. 

This is me. This is me awake and manic and miserable my first night at this hospital.

I am not sure why but every time I close my eyes I see flashes of this abstract shape, sort of like a bean stalk but without the beans and with some sort of horizontal crescents going up and down the stalk. It’s no wonder that I cannot sleep.

It is something along the lines of that sketch. I don’t know where these things are coming from. It’s appearing like a flash of lightning, and then it is gone, but it is happening over and over again very, very rapidly. Am I tripping off these new fucking meds? Did they drug me so that I am having fucking hallucinations so they have a fucking reason to hold me here longer? It must be some sort of conspiracy against the new patients like me. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! What am I going to do? I suppose as long as I do not tell anyone of this ever happening then they will have no real reason to keep me here. Or maybe this is real? Oh god I am so confused, the lack of sleep is really starting to fuck with my head.

2-24-2011

That was a very frantic, paranoid, and panicked journal entry I had written during my first of many sleepless nights in the psychiatric hospital. 

  

6 years later, here I am, in the middle of my first term as a nursing student.

“I can hardly believe it.” 

Since beginning the actual nursing program this past January, I’ve had these “Oh My Gawd I’m really here and doing this” kinda moments. And they come, of course, at some of the most inopportune times. 

For instance, last Wednesday, while I’m in the middle of my first timed, Nursing Techniques Simulation Exam I totally froze. Not because I didn’t know what I was doing, but I was in disbelief that I had actually made it to that exact moment in my life. After all that I’ve unknowingly gone through in high school, and especially in college on the road to learning of and living with this bipolar crap… Like all my major changes at Lees McRae… First semester, sports medicine; second semester, psychology; third semester, accidentally finding business as a major, and excelling… but then having to quit collegiate soccer and losing my scholarship. It goes on, transferring to AppState, losing nearly all my credits the first time, retaking almost half of my business courses, changing my major to management, to marketing, withdrawing from Appstate the first time, going back to Appstate, withdrawing again and being forced to move back to FL and in with my parents from living on my own in NC. Transferring to FSCJ, changing major to nursing, beginning prerequisites for any and all FL nursing programs that may accept me, withdrawing from FSCJ, going back, withdrawing, going back, withdrawing… 

And sprinkled somewhere throughout all of this madness there were Psychiatrists, therapists, over 10 psychiatric hospitalizations, numerous therapy sessions, uncountable med changes, devastating physical, emotional, and life changes, some so drastic that even more therapy was needed to alleviate the 'oh so lovely' stages of grief that accompanied nearly  every aspect of this manic depressive roller coaster.

This hardly gives light to the many detours of my life. So here I am in my simulation exam. I was to give a subQ and IM injection as well as demonstrate a sterile CVL dressing change. So, I’m somewhere between my subQ and IM injections... I finish talking through and successfully demonstrating the subcutaneous injection of heparin on this mannequin and injection pad as my mind goes blank while I’m still holding the needle. I completely freeze, with my clinical instructor’s eyes watching my every move, and waiting for me to continue. But my mind is miles away for what seems like a very long time, but really it is only maybe 3 seconds, if even. I mentally relive the roller coaster ride, known as my life, in a flash. I then, answer myself in my head as I very slowly set down the needle… “Yes, you are here and you are doing this…” I stall mumbling “uhm… uhm…” and begin reorganizing my thought process as I am simultaneously reorganizing my supplies on the bedside table. “One down and two to go, can you believe it?” asks my instructor. I say, “No, I really can’t.” as I think to myself, wow, that was close. She really has no idea of my level of disbelief right now.

My level of disbelief went up when my instructor stated that I received a perfect score for the entire simulation. It's hard to think of where I was only a few years ago, and where I am today, which is one step closer to being able to give back to others what so many have given to me on my journey to wellness. For this I am eternally grateful. 

DAY BY DAY

DAY BY DAY

Heavens knows I’ve tried many times to leave this godforsaken earth.

But heaven has its own plan and keeps sending me back almost to rebirth.

It’s hard to start from scratch when you’re 24 like me.

Everyone watches me like a hawk in fear that I’ll hurt me.

But my soul tells me that I’m okay and everything else will be too.

Right now it’s hard for them to see because they can’t take a walk in my shoes.

It’s a fickle thing the lives we lead going day by day.

But now day by day is all I know so there is not much more to say.

I wrote that about 5 years ago... Not knowing at the time that at age 26 I would nearly pull it off. But it was that very experience that has led me to where I am today. 

Today, at age 29,  I am 5 weeks in to my first term of nursing school working toward an A.S. degree. Hoping with all my heart that what I have gone through during my road to wellness can be put to some use.
I hope that I am able to make it through nursing school and become an RN, eventually helping at least one person avoid riding that same roller coaster as I did. I want to do for others what the wonderful nurses along my journey have done for me. Which not only includes helping someone to find wellness, but helping them to find the courage, confidence, and strength to continue to fight and over come their illness.
So now, day by day, I navigate through my newly found wellness and through all the new things life brings, such as nursing school. So here is to the past, the present, and the future... and to taking it day by day.

Motto of the day

“Act As If!”

Direct Me to My Dreams

We set goals and dreams in hopes to reach them one day. But life has a way of changing before you can even get to those goals and dreams. So where do we go when life has changed so drastically that you realize your single most important dream is slipping away. Now optimism seems more like dreaming and realism makes it seem impossible. And when other peoples’ dreams come into the picture, should we shelve our dreams for theirs? Is the business of reaching our dreams first come first serve? So many of my dreams have come true and yet so many have not. I have been given the taste of a few sweet dreams only for them to turn sour, and then where was I left… A manic depressive, 7th year college student, with possibly 2 years left in school, only one year left of NCAA eligibility and no playing time from a previous bad decision division II school in what I thought was the armpit of the world, but long for now. What do we do we do when every day you have been working toward this goal, and now the possibility of it happening is slim because there are now others’ best interests to consider… In this specific situation, my dream loses. So I guess all I have now are my dreams, and there I can dream of how it would have been and how now it’s just a dream to me.

Rough Draft

So... the majority of posts on here are from the past. When I was on this roller coaster ride known as my life. And many future posts will also be from the past.
However, currently, with my new found wellness, I'm in the process of applying to nursing programs here in town. For one of the schools they require an interview. Immediately after the interview I will have 15 minutes to write an essay on a topic chosen for me. There are four possible essay questions. Here is the first one that I wrote a rough draft for:

Give a candid evaluation of yourself as a person. Please discuss, in order of importance the personal characteristics or qualities you feel are your strengths, as well as those you feel are your weaknesses.

And here is my rough draft response:

“Don’t judge another until you walk a mile in their shoes.”

“Don’t judge a book by its cover.”

“Treat others as you would like to be treated.”

There are many, many, sayings that people often use trying to have you see life from another’s point of view. But unfortunately those that give this advice do not always understand the true meaning behind it. Through life we all will go through experiences, none of which will be identical, some of which may be similar, and many of which only some can relate to. It is what we take with us and learn from these life experiences that help to shape and mold our individual strengths and weaknesses. And it is what we, as individuals, choose to do with these strengths and weaknesses that will ultimately make a difference in this world. I am a CNA, and have chosen to pursue a career in nursing. Through personal experience and education this is how I hope to make a difference.

In my life experiences I have been the patient many times before, and in various situations. I understand the countless and complex emotions a patient may go through such as; the stress, fear, helplessness, frustration, and grief that often get overlooked when receiving treatment. These emotions are merely byproducts of any type of illness but are often not focused on or even addressed because they are not physical. Even in behavioral health situations these feelings get overlooked. Having these similar personal experiences I believe that my first hand understanding of a patient’s wants and needs is a key strength that will help me give exceptional care to my current and future patients.

Every patient deserves exceptional care. A second strength is that I have the want and need to excel by providing this exceptional care. Based on the understanding I have of being a patient I consistently strive to go above and beyond in every situation to ensure the overall comfort and wellbeing of my patients in every way possible. It is often the simple things that matter most to a patient. The little things that we all may take for granted day to day such as having the choice between coffee and tea. Also, listening to your patient rather than talking at your patient can be the one gesture that offers the hope and encouragement often needed to propel them toward wellness. It is subtle things like this that can make the difference to a patient in ways that not many may even know.

            In 2004 I was diagnosed with bipolar, a rather severe case. The road to wellness, more like rollercoaster to wellness, has been more trying than I may ever be able to convey. Along the way there was this one nurse that listened to me in one of my many drastically rapid cycles. She sat at the foot of my hospital bed and asked why I was balling my eyes out and pacing the hallways at 3:45 in the morning. So I told her everything I was missing, thinking, feeling, stressing, and crying about. Coming from my manic mind all of this came out like word vomit. But she listened and talked me through it all and gave me hope. Not unrealistic hope, but simple encouragement, empowerment, and most importantly, respect. She was real and genuine; she drew from her own simplistic and personal experiences. Sharing with me first and then giving credible advice. The heart to heart talk was a turning point in my illness. She made such a profound difference in my state of mind and overall approach to wellness that I became determined to beat the illness rather than give up, and to use my experiences constructively rather than destructively. Because of her I now see my illness and the journey it has taken me on as strength. But still most others see it as a weakness. It gives me the heart and soul to strive to make the same kind of difference in the lives of others, and the inner strength each and every day to continue to reach my goals and dreams. I hope to let others know that they are not alone on their road to wellness. Showing them through the care I give that success and wellness are possible if they never give up on themselves or their dreams.

IF I ONLY KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW

Worry, Stress, Anxiety: 5-15-03

What is it that keeps me up at night? And why does it? All the questions that race around my head with no directions and no answers - Where am I headed? Who am I going to be? How do I get there? How do I keep myself happy? What should I do with my life? How can I get to a starting point? How can I make enough money to live? Who am I going to marry? Am I going to get married? Children? How can I get enough money to support a family? Why is it that the questions of the future hex me every night in the present? Do I worry, stress, and have major anxiety problems? Or is this all normal? Are my thought supposed to go so fast that I cannot even keep up with them? Am I the only one that is so worried about this stuff, at this age? Why? If only I could get a lump in the bank instead of my throat, then maybe I could get some rest – or would I just find something else to worry over and keep me up at night?

And all the tension that builds and builds until I feel I will explode, or burst open with my insides on the outside. As my skin is crawling and I cannot sit still I can’t help but feel like I am a 3 year old child throwing a temper tantrum because its legs hurt when they are growing. What the fuck is wrong with me? Or am I just a huge pansy? 

Borrowed Inspiration: PART 2

MIRRORS OF THE SOUL
THE SAYINGS OF THE BROOK
BY: Kahlil Gibran

I walked in the valley as the rising dawn spoke the secret of eternity.
And there a brook, on its course, was singing, calling and saying:
Life is not only merriment;
Life is desire and determination.
Wisdom is not in words;
Wisdom is meaning within words.
Greatness is not in exalted position;
Greatness is for he who refuses position.
A man is not noble through ancestry;
How many noble men are descendants of murderers?
Not everyone in chains is subdued;
At times, a chain is greater than a necklace.
Paradise is in the pure of heart.
Hell is not in torture;
Hell is an empty heart.
Riches are not in money alone;
How many wanderers were the richest of all men?
Not all the poor are scorned;
The wealth of the world is in a loaf of bread and a cloak.
Beauty is not in the face;
Beauty is in the light of heart.
Perfection is not for the pure of soul;
There may be virtue in sin.
This is what the brook said to the tree upon its banks;
Perhaps what the brook sang was of some of the secrets of the sea.